January 2nd 2011:
Day two of my effort to actually keep a journal of sorts. Generally, I have been opposed to such a thing. So many thoughts that go through my head should never be uttered aloud, let alone written out and posted to the web. The journals I kept when I was younger were all burned in a fit if teen angst (and fear that one day my mom or someone might actually find and read them.. gulp), a thing I have never regretted once. Who cares who I had a crush on when I was twelve, or that I thought I was fat, or that I wished I had cool clothes and hated velcro, JC Penny and Payless.
I sure as shit don't.
What I do regret burning are the good days. The ones where I was full of joy and hope and the future was unlimited. Today, Chris said he felt like life was accelerating, a statement that seems all too true. I look around now and have to say, "this is my life, this is where I am." That childhood feeling that right now was temporary and better things were just ahead has, like Elvis, exited the building. I am left now with the choice to accept this tedious thing I have or to put some fucking hard work in and build my own tomorrow (a task that sometimes feels impossibly hard).
Since I have always been terrible at accepting the mundane, I guess I will have to start doing the whole "hard work" thing. Do I want a life that is dictated by an alarm clock and a bus schedule?
Hell no!
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